This Piercing Question: When Are You Getting Married?

At a certain stage in life, it will be required of you to say your marital status to concerned parties. Not because it’s a requirement, but it is everyone’s anxiety to ‘just know’.

I fall a victim this weekend; a victim on the asking end.

I was attending my friend’s wedding in Nairobi. During the reception time, I happened to sit next to one Mercy [not her real name].

After some moments of chatting, I ‘fortunately’ made this mistake of posing THE question. 

“When ‘you sayin I do?”

She assumed she didn’t get me talking, looking straight ahead. I knew I’d stepped on a live wire. I kept quiet.

After some moments of torturing silence, for some reason, she accepted to open up to me. We had to move aside.

I wanted you listen to her tell her story. So I asked her to do us an article, which she gladly accepted. This is her very own narration, richer than what she told me, on the torment she has suffered from the ever existing pressure to get married. Hope you’ll find encouragement as I did: 

I’m gradually developing cold feet for social functions, especially for that introduction part where we get to know who is present.

I hate it when the moderator, commonly known as the MC, demands that you state whether you are married or not. This is usually easy for those that are married but for the singles, especially them that feel they’re late, it’s quite a task. In such moments, I have always sought a synonym for ‘single’. 

At one time, before a meeting started, a married man came  by and asked me if I am praying for my future spouse. I kind of got offended but when I looked into his face I realized he was serious and in dire need of my response. Then I turned to him and gently answered: Yes I have. I tried as much as possible to hide what I felt. Later, I realized he was going round asking the same question to all singles. I was keen to check on their reactions. Needless to say, their moods toned down.

This common concern can be a real issue especially when you are not dating and your next birthday is just approaching, more so if you are a lady turning 30. Your friends decide to check on you and the first question they ask is if you are married yet or not – just like my new friend Job did ask me.

Those who choose to advice you pick on marriage as the best topic. It appears as though everyone is on your case. Colleagues at lunch hour may just choose to dwell on the topic. Wore unto you if they realize you are not contributing! They specifically dedicate the discussion to you! Kinda it makes them happy.

I have not visited upcountry for the last three years, reason being I don’t know how to respond to some questions which must be asked, ultimately. That ain’t a jock.

The society expects that by a certain age, just like those in your age bracket, you should be married. They will ask you clearly: Ain’t you married?  This is as though they know you are married. The local pastor will on a Sunday invite you on a special luncheon and the topic across the table must be ‘marriage’.

At times, seeking the Kingdom first as put in Matthew 6:33 becomes challenging. The attention shifts to seeking a marriage partner, first. You want to seek the kingdom but the thoughts keep rolling back:

"And when will I marry? What if God meant I marry first? And what of my age?"

Though I know I should stick to focusing on God just as Matthew 6:33 tells me, I’m forced to flip through the pages to books like Ecclesiastes and the words  ‘two are better than one’ make total sense. I’ve found myself taking it easy on ministry and try to dedicate more time on getting a spouse. 

Attempts to approach some within my reach have proved futile as they act as though I knocked late at their door or I don’t fit what they were looking for. I then find myself in the frustration mode.

I’ve found an option for marriage, if God says your time is not yet. The option is called Grace: The divine energy that subdues both internal and external human energy.

Some say age will catch up with you, you will not have time to bring up your children, you will grow weary fast. OK, all those are facts, scientifically proven but not approved of God. God has got different grace for different people. There are those who can wait for 5 yrs, 10 yrs etc, and there are those who cannot wait at all. They either get blessed or they bless themselves!

The reason why most young men and women loose on the grace is what the world or those around tell them. To be honest I had planned to be married by the age of 23. But at 26, I realized these were just but the plans of the mind. 

I have never been worried about marriage as such as when people ask me when will I get married.

I'm certain of one thing: At 23, I could not have been mature enough for marriage. At that age I hadn’t developed both spiritually and emotionally. Looking back, I realized I didn’t even have the right person to marry - I know where the men who were approaching me at that time are now. 

I must then say 23 was not the right time for me to get married reason being I was not ready and my husband to be was not ready (so to say). So what remained? Grace. 

It’s grace that has kept me this far. God has helped me not to just get crushed into anyone and say I want to get married. 

Grace is that peace one get when in any season of life.

As my father was lying on His bed ailing from an illness that took him home, he called me on one afternoon. I remember it was a Sunday afternoon.

He told me “My daughter, can you please bring me the man you have found suitable for marriage, I wish to see him and bless you’. I almost did some adakabradakabra when I remembered: ‘it was not necessary’.

Immediately after his death, his friends approached me with ready spouses to marry me. Thank God I knew what I was going to do. I did not embarrass them, neither did I run away from their confrontations but God calmly sorted their quest to see the daughter to their friend married. I honestly was not ready for marriage. My life was at the moment in some sort of circus that I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to come in.

In another incident, I attended a financial seminar and the topic that majored was family partnership. I was rendered irrelevant simply because I didn’t have a spouse. I asked myself: Do I propose to myself and later on plan to marry me? I truly feel so hurt when all that my friends got to tell me is I need to seek God. I ask them to explain to me on how they sought God in their cases only to realize they didn’t even seek God; they were just lucky as God extended His love to them (I mean, there turn had come). 

For me I believe my turn will come.
My brothers gave me the last big shock; I always thought they were the most understanding fellows. I remember them telling me how their friends insist that I should have been married already, or something is absolutely wrong with me. But for my brothers it was easy: Just ‘squaring’ them was enough.

Now the big question came to me: is God aware that I am supposed to have been married? What is His plan? How is He going to execute it? When is He going to execute it?

Those are many questions to ask God so high but I had to.

On one evening as I was walking from work, God made it clear that He was aware, so much aware but His was His will be established in the marriage I’ll get into. He said as I look at marriage I should look at it from His perspective or I’ll get it all wrong and rough.

God is aware.

I had to do a review of my life in some sort of a mind-slide-show-play and God posed it to me these questions:

Were you there when I decided you will be born? Are you the one who decided which parents to bore you? Did you decide the day to come forth into this world? Are you the one who decided the form in which you would be born? 

Then I remember Job’s life (not because I was suffering like he did) but just to relate with how God questioned Him. I had to just shut up and mind doing what God has placed in my heart and at hand. He then will order my steps as the bible says: The steps of the righteous are ordered by God’. That does not mean that I do not at all think about marriage, in fact I at times worry I could be carefree only to find that I should have done something. I’m searching. 

If you are in the same state as I am, may you find GRACE to pierce through.

Do you have a word encouragement for the youth? Don't hesitate to post here bellow on the comment box. Also remember to share to reach a friend!

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